i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
