I heard we made out
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
