why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
