Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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