I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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