Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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