If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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