I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
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I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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