You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
