I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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