Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
