i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
