im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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