Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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