I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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