Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
