Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
