I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
