Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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