Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
