dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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