I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
