Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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