Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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