oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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