There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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