im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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