I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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