I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
