no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
