Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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