god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize