you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
