Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
