Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
