I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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