whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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