I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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