Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
