Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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