so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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