im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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