i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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