mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
