i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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