Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
