i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
