I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
