he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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