I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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