Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
