he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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