i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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