his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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