I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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