I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
